I was reading perceptions a moment ago, and thinking about how, despite how thoroughly nomadic he is, despite his unashamedness with his somewhat out of the ordinary choices, despite all his profoundly interesting adventures and even more profoundly interesting take on them, he still ended up stopping the diary, and, in a way, I guess, stopping the adventures, in favor of a girl. Now, I'm sure the girl is wonderful, and I'm sure she and he are having the time of their lives, but he'd already had lots of experiences alone. And I think most of you, not being idiots, can see where I'm going with this one. I mean, I love Bill with all my heart, but there's still things I want to learn, about myself and the world I live in. I'm just a little uncertain of how this is all going to go down. And I think about the grand majority of the things I've done- most of them were more or less elaborate schemes for finding someone to love, and now that I've found this wonderful person, I should have some faith, right? Well, I don't. Not a hell of a lot. I know we'll be happy together, and I know that I love him and he loves me, and that we've got such complementary personalities that it'd be a shame if we didn't end up married, but...
I guess my primary concern is breaking his heart. I'm rather a nomad, myself- if you listen to me talk, where I live is almost never "my home", and only slightly more often is it even "my house", but it's usually "my place." That's it. Just a place. I want so badly just to go on a roadtrip. I feel like I'm going to be ripped apart by all these expectations on me- expectations by my relatives to go to college and get some fancy degree in something that, in all likelihood, I don't even enjoy, so I can get a job that, while well-paying, I don't even enjoy, and then there's the expectation to live in a little house in suburbia with a picket fence and 2.5 kids (the latter part of which, thankfully, Bill has spared me), and I just feel... like I'm being judged, I guess. And that I'm being found wanting. I feel like Trillian in Mostly Harmless, sometimes- the bit where she says, "But hardly a moment of this life goes by that I don't wonder about some other me... I feel like she's out there somewhere and I'm walking in her shadow." Of course, all these doubts and this unsure mental footing vanish the moment he walks through my door. But it's still something worth thinking about.
Last five
Farewell! at 3:57 pm, Jul. 01, 2005
urf. at 10:33 am, May. 03, 2005
Trainwreck lady. at 10:16 am, May. 03, 2005
gvf hbb jnghvbh jlkm jhfgcc at 9:42 am, May. 03, 2005
My Dland is my dream journal now. at 8:43 am, Mar. 25, 2005